A few days ago we talked about those men who do not value what women do at home and we explain a simple technique to make them see what it is to take care of a baby, or children: that they exercise as parents, that they stay with them, that they see what parenting is and what it is not to have time to do much more, or practically nothing else.
There are men like that, unfortunately, but there are others who do not want to do things at home or take care of children, is that they can't because they don't let them, or they reach a time when they refuse, tired of being questioned continuously, tired of constantly following instructions, tired of not having the freedom to decide how to care for them: those men who barely get involved in caring for their children because they do it better.
Who takes care of the children?
As PapaLobo explained a few years ago, there are functions in the couple, such as childcare, which by social inheritance falls to the mothers. They gestate them, stop them and breastfeed them, they have the longest maternal leave and to them the baby is linked when considering her your primary caregiver.
Of course, dad is there too, but in times of despair, babies look for mom and rarely dad. In turn, the mother is linked to the baby and is the one who cares most about her well-being. There are even studies that have analyzed the functioning of the brain of mothers and fathers in which it has been seen that mothers get to suffer when the baby suffers, aligning themselves so that they take care of them because they feel that discomfort, while in the fathers it is a more rational and responsibility issue: mothers take care of their children when they cry because feel who are suffering while the parents attend them because they know They are suffering.
This difference happens precisely because the mother is responsible for the care of the baby (if the parents are the ones responsible, they also suffer like the mothers, but in the role of secondary caregiver it is a little more difficult because they always know that before them, is she). And in this situation men are doing what they can, where they can, when they can, adapting to the new fatherhood.
And this is where the moment comes when the mother says "hey, I can't do it anymore, that I've been taking care of the baby and with the house all day", and tries to delegate to him: did you see him? Do you bathe it? Do you comb it? Do you put the cream on it? Do you take it out for a while? Do you play with him for a while? And the father agrees, of course, because wants to be a father, because he wants to intervene, because he wants to have more relationship with the baby, because he loves his son and he loves her and doesn't want to see her so tired.
And he gets into trouble ... and then it turns out that he doesn't do it the same as her, that makes it different, that he combs it more or less modern, that he puts on her clothes that she had planned to put on the next day and that when she goes out the street for a walk puts him in the stroller when she on the afternoon walk always takes him out in the scarf.
Two things can happen: that she doesn't say anything, close her eyes and say "everything will be fine", or tell her something like "no, honey, those clothes don't. You had to have put on her blue body with her pants the pockets ... and now in the afternoon you better take it out in the scarf, because the stroller at this time is not going to go well, that there are many people on the street and ... hey, but how have you combed it? cream have you put it on? And the dirty clothes, where have you left it? haven't you emptied the bathtub? Well, hey, if in the end you are going to do everything upside down you leave me more work yet ... it almost takes longer than if I do it … Go, give me the child that I already took him for a walk, take out the dishes and fold the clothes, which we now come right away. Oh, and empty the bathtub and leave it all collected. "
"Well do it, hey, don't ask me anything"
Well hey, once, the father tells himself that good, that it is good, that he has not done it quite well, that he had not thought of so many variables, and that he will do better next time. But it is that when she has established herself in the months that she has with the baby a circuit, some routines and knows the baby better than anyone else, the logical thing is that the father does not do the same for ignorance. And it may happen that even knowing these routines, think you can do a little differently, according to your logic: "Well, tomorrow put on other clothes, which I have taken this because I thought it would be fine. And let me take it in a stroller that we are going to be very calm ... if you get tired, I carry the scarf in my bag ".
And what can happen? Somebody see them and think where is mom, or how has the mother left her baby to be combed like this? Or why do you wear those clothes that look like Wednesday morning and not Tuesday afternoon? No, but many mothers think about it:
- Dress them up to go to school, run, they don't arrive.
- Ok, dressed.
- That? But where do they go like this !? If they seem to go to sleep!
- Well, that's how they are more comfortable ... if in total, they go to school.
- No, no, run, give them this.
- But we didn't arrive!
- It doesn't matter, you sign the delay if necessary, but don't take them that way.
There is a mother who does not allow her children to go as they would not take them because they fear, unconsciously, that someone may believe that they are not good mothers, that does not take good care of them, that does not reach everything, that prioritizes other things. And this has an impact on men who ultimately change the strategy:
- Dress them up to go to school, run, they don't arrive.
- What I will put in to them?
- Anything… a shirt and pants.
- No, not anything, I don't want to wear them twice. Tell me what to wear.
- Oh, really, well look, this and this, that I have to do everything ... so you help me nothing.
And if this is repeated at different times of the day, every day, they reach a time when many men already go from taking the initiative: why, if I do it as I do it will be wrong? Why, if you are going to tell me that I am not doing well?
"I already do it, I do it better"
And it happens, that they tell them that it has to be done as they say, and as they do otherwise, they end up taking away their responsibility: "leave me, I already do it, I do it better", or "I already do it, I go faster".
And the relationship becomes a woman who wants things to be done with the house and the children as she does, because she considers that she is the one who best knows how to organize everything, and a man who has less and less autonomy and who he increasingly doubts his abilities to do things well ... a man who no longer dares to do anything because he knows that she will come later and tell him that he would have done better otherwise, or that we have to do it again.
It is like those children who, as a result of authoritarianism, end up being afraid of their parents, the possible consequences of doing something wrong, and in the end they become submissive and obedient and lose the initiative and even their own personality: "I only obey, because I it's scary to do something and make my father angry. "
And at that moment the relationship becomes complicated. Complicated because she is the one who takes care of everything and from time to time she is making explosions of "I can no longer", outbreaks of "nobody helps me", and shouts of "is that I do everything!". And he no longer knows if he feels guilty for not doing more at home, if he feels useless because it seems that everything is wrong. or send her for a ride after so many times that he has done something and she has told him to leave it, that in the end he gives more work than he takes away.
Let us do, relax, delegate
So if you're in this situation, moms, a tip: it's not that we don't want to, it's that don't leave us. We are not useless. We are ... different. Of course you would do it differently; Of course, it is better for you in your own way; But is it true that at the end of the day the children are happy, they have had a snack and dinner and they all end up sleeping with their pajamas? Well, that's it. And hey, if it turns out they have swapped pajamas, nothing happens ... Don't they sleep so calmly?
In the end the important thing is that the children can be with mom, they can be with dad, they can be cared for by her, they can be cared for by him, and the family moves forward without the one feeling overwhelmed for having all the responsibilities and without the other feeling overwhelmed for feeling unable to do well according to her judgments.
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | The closeness of the father, beneficial for the development of the child, Distribution of tasks when it is the father who takes care of the children, The involvement of parents is key in the development of children
