Lady Crocs is the daughter of divorced parents, a woman divorced with children and also a judge and editor of divorce sentences. A few days ago he posted a thread on his Twitter account with a decalogue of the things that children should never be told during their parents' divorce process. His advice quickly went viral, and there were many users who have felt identified with his words.
We have talked with her about this decalogue and about other issues that, according to her experience, should be taken into account in case of separation or divorce. Why even if the couple breaks There is something very valuable that must be protected and cared for: children in common.
"Who do you want to go with, with mom or dad?"
With this question, the judge began her decalogue of things that should not be said to children during a divorce process. And it is that, unfortunately it is frequent to find cases of couples that put the children between the sword and the wall, forcing them to decide something that must depend on multiple factors.
1. "Who do you want to go with, with dad or with mom?" That question was asked when I was eight years old and still rumbles in my head. That decision is made by adults, not children; and they should do it based on their circumstances and for the benefit of the child
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
If you ask that to a child, by far, you can create a kind of feeling of loyalty towards one or the other, which will generate an inner conflict. Can you imagine them asking you about your children? "Who are you staying with, with Maria or with Juan?"
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
But avoiding children such situations and questions does not mean that we do not have to take your opinion into account, although divorce is such a complex process, that hopelessly, sometimes clashes of interests occur. This is what the judge explains:
"I think that parents think what is best for children really thinking for our own benefit. We always consider that we are acting in their favor and thinking about them, but I don't know to what extent we are honest with ourselves ... I think it is an aspiration abstract to which we all tend, but that in the long run we end up thinking about ourselves and our own interests. Purpose that does not seem to me to be criticizable, well, in short, if we are well that will affect them. "
"On the other hand, there are times that we know what is best for them and, even so, we do not, because we cannot or because it clashes frontally with what we want. After all, the children follow the path that we trace to them, both in marriages and in divorces. If we move because one of the parents changes their destination, does that benefit them? Will we leave the job? There are times that their interest and ours is irreconcilable and we usually assume what we believe it is the lesser evil. "
"Dad / mom has sued us to get divorced"
Facing a break is a complex process, so before communicating it to our children, the first thing we must do is make sure that we have a well-developed speech and are able to convey security and stability.
Therefore, the judge insists on importance of taking good care of our language and the way of communicating so that the child does not feel that we are pointing guilty and, therefore, does not polarize against one of his two parents.
2. "Dad / mom has sued me to get divorced." If the decision is communicated in this way, one of the parents is being blamed for having taken it and is guiding what the child should feel. They should be informed, but with affection and aseptic way
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
I am more in favor of saying things like "we are already dating and prefer to live in another house", or "we have stopped understanding or sharing the same things" ... But never focus on one of them
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
"Dad / mom has abandoned us"
For a child whose parents divorce it is important to know that both will continue loving him, taking care of him and protecting him. Because the new situation will generate insecurity and fear; new scenarios and many changes in his life will emerge, but the fundamental thing is that the child is clear that the people he loves most in the world, are also those who love him most, and that that will not change The divorce.
The judge recommends that we not involve children in how adults feel in the face of a break-up, and how to separate the role of couples from parents.
3. "Dad / mom has abandoned us." This phrase is devastating to a child's emotional development. If the adult feels that way, he overcomes the duel, but you cannot pretend to share a feeling of that caliber with someone who has a clear reference in both figures
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
Although you feel that the other parent is a bad bug, it is an idea or feeling that will have to be shared with friends, parents, psychologist or pillow. If the child must discover that it is a bad bug, let him do it alone. After all, it is still a subjective assessment.
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
"Your father / mother made me ... he told me"
Divorce is an issue that only concerns adults, so we should not involve children in the details of the break. Doing so, not only will not bring them any benefits, but our negative and destructive comments can end up making you reject one of the two parents.
4. "Your father / mother made me ... he told me ..." The reasons or conflicts of separation is something children should not know. When they grow up and ask, if you want to share the information, while they are children you should not talk badly about the other parent.
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
The care and assistance of parents is a right-duty. It must be enjoyed, but it is also a responsibility that must be assumed, how could it be done correctly if the child goes home to who he thinks he is or has been a monster with his other parent?
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
"I would do it, honey, but your father / mother doesn't want to"
Likewise, and although the treatment between both parents is not cordial, our expert interviewee is committed to maintain correct and fluid communication regarding the education and upbringing of children, as well as pineapple in aspects that have to do with them. Because although the couple is broken, they continue to be father and mother, and educating and raising is a matter of both.
5. "I would do it, honey, but your father doesn't want to." If there are discrepancies between the parents about any decision, the children should not be communicated in this way, much less if there is separation by means and a latent conflict, because it causes the child's resentment over the other person
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
In case of conflict on any issue I think it is better to tell them in an objective way that you do not agree on that issue and that you are talking about it to solve it in the best possible way, without blaming and without involving the child.
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
6. "Tell that to your mother / father." No, I do not believe that children are the ones who must communicate any controversy between parents. I think it is better to answer something like "well, we'll talk about it, Dad / Mom and I and see what solution we take."
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
"I go to court because ..."
As we mentioned above, the details of the divorce must remain among adults, and this judge does not even recommend handling with the children certain legal terms that, by age, she would not have to know.
On the other hand, and although in the separations by mutual agreement it is not usual for children to testify before a judge, according to the Divorce Law, this statement could be produced if the situation requires it and is strictly necessary.
"From a judicial perspective, I I believe that the declaration of minors should be the last resort, but when it is accessed, it is important that minors be heard and taken into account. Unfortunately, that also sometimes makes it possible to influence their claims and generate a conflict of loyalty in the child that professionals must know how to detect and try to find out what really happens in that home "- he explains.
7. "I go to court because ..." This information, like the words "demand", "complaint", "lawyer" ... and other legal terms, children do not have to listen to them or know them. Only if they have to go to court to testify
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
In those cases, I think it is best to try to anticipate what the building is like, where they are going to tell their story ("declare" no, it is too technical for them), who they will talk to ... even make a theater with playmobils at home with the different characters
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
"Your father doesn't love us"
There are many aspects that we must take into account when dealing with divorce with our children, but the main one is maintain respect for the other party, avoiding pointing guilty, responsible or victims, and respecting their role as father / mother.
Because, as we said at the beginning, when the couple breaks up, the children remain, and with some sad exception, we all always want the best for them.
8. "Your mother / father doesn't love us." No, that can never be said to a child. I may not love you anymore, and it may be very painful that it may be so, but never say anything to your son. Surely his father does love him and, otherwise, he discovers it
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
"I can't because Dad / Mom doesn't pay me the pension"
Another example of the importance of keeping certain details concerning divorce or separation for us.
9. "I can't because Dad / Mom doesn't pay me the pension." The economic problems of adults should not be shared with children, if that problem is caused by the behavior of one of them with greater reason. If so, let the child find out over time
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
"He has left us for another"
After a divorce or a breakup new couples may appear, both on our part and on the other. In both cases it is essential that the relationship between our children and that new partner is good, and if any problem is detected, work on it to solve it.
As parents, The first thing we should want is the well-being and happiness of our children, and if the other parent is happy with his new partner and our children will also spend time with her, the judge recommends that we respect the situation and not put the children against third parties.
10. "He has left us for another." I insist that the reasons for the separation should not be communicated to children, but this in particular to a lesser extent because that "other / other" may end up being the stepfather or stepmother of the child and have a bad perception of that figure does not apply
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
The temptation to try to sell the presumed guilty of a marital crisis as a villain to be killed can be very suggestive, but nothing advisable. What should interest a parent is the welfare of their children, be with who they are
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
If that other person makes the other parent happy, it is positive because they will be happier with their children; if your children are going to spend hours with that person, it is positive that they perceive it as someone who contributes, does not take away; if that person is a bad bug, it is up to your current partner
- Lady Crocs (@ladycrocs) September 8, 2018
In conclusion
It is impossible to know, a priori, the effects of divorce in children since there are many variables that come into play and that will determine the impact of this news. Mainly it will depend on the type of separation or divorce that the couple carries out, the age of the children they have in common and their personality.
It is for all this, that the judge is aware that there are as many situations as couples, and that this decalogue is only a brief summary of everything that can lead to a divorce or separation. There is no doubt that, in most cases, a break will always lead to suffering, but it is in our hands to try to mitigate that pain in our children.
"The parents who are going to start a separation process they should turn to good professionals, who are dialogueists and conciliators. If possible, I think it would be positive to try to go to family mediation or couples therapy, to guide them and help avoid twitching, the use of minors for particular interests and reduce the tension between them. It is also good to be advised by those who do not sell them the motorcycle, as there are times that family conditions or regimes are promised that do not agree or are counterproductive at all "- he advises us.
Photos: Pixabay, iStock
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