We talked a few days ago about the customary or unusual when mentioning the issue of arms ("Do not take it, that gets used"). Today I want to talk about another of the most censored behaviors in society such as putting the baby or the child in the parents' bed to avoid getting used to it.
On several occasions I have explained that my children sleep with me in bed. It is not something that I explain to the first one who finds me as soon as I have the opportunity, but if we talk about sleep, about beds or similar things, I do not hide that I sleep in the same bed as my wife and my children.
In many cases people do not comment on this, since they respect my decision, however in other cases (and although I do not tell anyone where their child has to sleep), quick and quick, they warn me of the bad I'm doing it since "they get used to it and then you can never take them out"And they insist that" children have to sleep in their bed. "
They get used to what they live on a daily basis
Babies, children and adults get used to what we live daily. That is, if we put a child in our bed, he will get used to sleeping like this. If we put him to sleep in a crib, he will get used to sleeping in a crib and if when he is older we put him to sleep in his bed in his room he will get used to sleeping in his bed, in his room.
This does not mean that the child we put in his bed will stop waking up, or that he will stop calling dad or mom, does not even mean that in the middle of the night a child will not travel to the children's room parents to let him sleep with them.
They get used to sleeping alone if this is what we want, but custom does not know about needs and, while some take very little time to get used to something, others will probably take much longer. The difference lies in a matter of needs. If a child gets used to what he wants, it will not take much effort to achieve it, however, if we fight against the current, trying to get him used to something he does not need, the effort will be much greater.
To explain it more graphically, when they tell you that you should avoid putting it in bed with you the phrase is “as you put it once, always want to sleep with you” and usually it is, because when you put your child to sleep in bed you are doing what you need, what you ask for and what you enjoy. But nevertheless, When someone tries to get their child to sleep alone, without the parents, many more attempts are necessary, precisely, because they act against what the child needs to happen. That is why no one ever says "don't put him to sleep just because as you do once he won't want to sleep with you anymore".
Do not get used to sleeping with dad and mom, but with "Pepito"
If you have read the book of the Estivill method or similar, you will realize how absurd some of the advice they offer is.
As they comment, the ideal is that children learn to sleep without the presence of an adult and that during the night does not require their presence (come on, even if he wakes up he does not call dad or mom). That is, the goal is for the child to learn to sleep alone.
For this, the elimination of any element that requires the presence of an adult, such as a bottle, the hair of mom, mom, etc., is promoted. at bedtime. Of course, if the child falls asleep with an object that, when we leave disappears, we will be getting used to something that, at the moment of waking up alone in his room, will no longer be.
That is why it is suggested to offer the child own objects that remain there all night: a poster or a drawing on the wall, many pacifiers so that if he wakes up without him he grabs one, a mobile in the crib and a Pepito. It is a stuffed animal, chosen by the parents (as the teddy is commented, it must be chosen by the parents and not by the child, because “we cannot allow the child to say how things are done”), which Will accompany you in the evenings.
A warning is made that it is possible that the child rejects Pepito the first days (normal, if he has not been allowed to choose), but then, after a few days, the child will realize that, waking up “at three in the morning, his 'faithful' friend will remain there and, even if it is not mom or dad, will be by your side and will not abandon you under any circumstances, ”logical if we consider that it is a stuffed animal, unable to decide if he wants to leave or stay.
In short, it is intended right and left to prevent children from sleeping with their parents so they do not get used to it and yet it is possible that they get used to a stuffed animal.
Interestingly, there are few children aged 6 or 7 who need their mother to sleep and yet there are a few who are still clinging to their stuffed animal.
Interestingly, there are few adults who need their mother to sleep and yet there are a few who need their pillow or some key element that makes them feel good.
What does a child need?
The important thing is not to assess whether it is good or bad to get used to something, but to value what you need. Everyone in the world needs to feel safe in the environment in which they are, because if they feel that something is not going well or that there is a possibility of some kind of danger, sleeping and resting can be very difficult.
Children, because of their inexperience, are not usually able to feel safe if they are alone. It's not that they have a certain fear of something, but that they just don't want to be alone, because that way they don't feel safe. From this it follows that what a child needs is company. That is why I am a strong advocate of co-habitation or cohabitation, of staying with the child in his bed until he falls asleep and going whenever he calls or allowing him to go to the parents' bed if at night he needs to do so.
If instead a child sleeps peacefully in his bed and thus feels safe and does not need the contact of his parents there is no need to put him to sleep in the same room of the parents or in the same bed (although if the parents they want and the child accepts it there is no problem in doing so).
Summarizing
The "will get used" or "do this to get used to" are very common phrases that make you run the risk of not giving a baby what you really need.
The truth is that it is logical to think that, if a baby is given what he needs, he gets used to it. It's like adults when full of love we want to share hundreds of moments with our partner. It's so easy to get used to being with her! However, if she tells us that she has to leave for a few days, it sure costs a lot more to get used to being without her, isn't it?
Photos | Flickr - iandeth, inferis, katharina72, Karen Sheets
In Babies and more | "Don't take him in his arms, he gets used to it", Being a dad: reflections on the school, How to practice the school safely and safely
