Within our Maternity and paternity course We talked yesterday about the feeling of being overwhelmed and how to channel it so that it does not harm family harmony. We said that once we achieve a more harmonious life with the needs of the children we will find that there will be fewer moments of overflow on their part and also on ours. And this will happen by the way we deal with conflicts and determine the norms.
However, the situations of tantrums or problems will always exist, but it will be in our hands to improve them and get them to be reduced. The key, as always, empathic communication and the example that we are able to give to children.
Understand that conflicts are inevitable It is important, seeing them as an opportunity for growth, it is a positive position that we should complete with the ability to be fair and flexible in standards.
Conflicts are part of life.
Let's be clear conflicts are part of life. When he is little the child will want a bauble or a toy. Older, you'll want to go down to play or watch a movie when it's not convenient. You will reach adolescence and want more freedom or do things that may be dangerous or inconvenient. You will be tired, you will want free time without interruptions or you will consider it necessary for the children to do something they do not want.
Do not think that life will always be a path of roses because everyone, even those who love and understand each other, sometimes we collide, think differently or want different things. The question that we are going to change does not mean denying that there will be differences, but modify the way of focusing and solving them.
There are parents who have a solution: you do what I command and period. I bet you already know that it's not me, I'm going to advise you. That does not mean that there will be situations in which it is not possible to negotiate anything, that you have to make a decision and this is clear for the safety of the child.
Some examples would be these: you can not go without the belt in the car, you can not take the body out the window, you can not light the fire in the kitchen, you do not bother the animals, do not put your fingers in the plugs and can not stick to anyone.
In these situations there is no negotiation. But there must be explanation and understanding of the emotional reasons or lack of understanding that has led the child to do that or want to do it.
The explanation can sometimes be given to get the child to give up on their own initiative, but when there is physical risk, the explanation will come later, once the child is removed from danger and always trying to be as calm as possible, no matter how big the fright may have been. . When we return to our three-year-old child with a tantrum we will see how conflicts must be resolved in a way that helps future conflicts be better resolved.
Rules
But, apart from the cases in which the child's behavior involves danger, I am of the opinion that in almost everything else the standards are very flexibleIn fact, the rules in each house are different. We are all different and the rules are too.
In my house, for example, you can not sit in bed with street clothes (my hobbies are completely illogical possibly but it makes me sick and my son respects that mania so that I feel comfortable) but if I jump on the couch and in bed without shoes. You have to change your shoes when entering the house, but if you forget one, it is not very serious, as long as it is not with the boots we wear to be in the stable; Those are mandatory to take off at the door.
There are houses where everyone takes off their shoes when entering, houses in which eating in bed is an aberration and houses in which talking in the nap is prohibited. There are houses in which at 10 the light goes out and houses in which one goes to sleep when sleepy.
The rules are flexible, or, at least, they should be and achieve that they were a consensual agreement between all parties or, at least, that all parties can understand and give their opinion. And they should be adopted primarily for the benefit of children and their needs.
Taking the situation a little to its extreme, let's think about those parents who get angry if the child says a curse and they don't get it out of their mouths. Or those who are enraged if the child does not apply at school but they never open a book. Or those who insist that the child herd a plate of a meal that he hates while they eat fatally and do not touch what they do not like. Or those who eat on the tray watching TV but demand that children always do it sitting at the table even if they are small and exhausted, prohibiting them from getting up even if they have finished and adults continue talking on desserts. Consistency, in any standard, is basic.
Does anyone remember liver steaks? I was vomiting to see them, thankfully they didn't force me, but I can't say that my mother ate them either, and they should give her as much as I do. The rules of a home may not be the same for everyone, but they should be consistent and applied in an egalitarian spirit. Be fair and make sense.
About the rules there is no model that all families can adopt Well, we are not all the same. But if I can give you a general advice: analyze the rules and dare to digest the one that not always the norms that we put adults are suitable for children nor are they respectful of their needs. Assumed this, change and flex what is necessary.
The rules are not eternal, they are not immutable, and they are not made for your benefit or to fit perfectly into the majority social models, but so that people are happy and can grow harmoniously respecting each other. The rules should be, above all, a scheme that allows children to develop healthy and safe.
