Continuing with our series of interviews with child psychologists, today we speak with the psychologist Lucia Pastrana, she is an expert in helping children through parents and today we asked her if We know how to act before a case of bullying at school.
We finish with her our little trip through the agents of bullying, in which we have talked about victims and bullies, today it is our turn, parents.
You say your work is based on the belief that caring for mothers and fathers is the best way to care for children. Are we the best tool to deal with our children's problems or maybe we hinder more than we help?
A priori Parents are the right people to help their children. For children, their parents are as vital as the sun and the rain. It is not necessary for parents to be perfect, they just have to be good enough.
Child therapists love and care for both children and parents. It is important to remember that they do what they can and our job is to support them to give them confidence and strength in situations they do not know how to handle.
Your parents teach you who you are, if you are valuable and if you are worthy of being loved. They help you to trust yourself and your abilities. They show you how to interact with yourself, with others and with the world.
The problem is that parents have not always been taught these things. We all have some "Achilles tendon." The important thing is to be able to assume that and ask for help in order to give the best version of us to our children.
Which is easier, changing the attitude of a child or that of his parents?
The change goes hand in hand. As parents are adults I start working with them. However, I like to make them see that the relationship with their children is bidirectional: their children's behavior provokes responses and their behavior causes responses in their children. And at the same time both are in a situation that also influences them. In order to change something it is important to be able to see the situation in a global way and understand what exactly is happening.
When I was little and I got into some mess and they punished me, my parents always said that "something you will have done", now many teachers complain that parents arrived at the meetings saying "my son could not be". Is that protectionist attitude dangerous?
Of course. Sometimes parents confuse protecting their children by overprotecting them and having a suspicious attitude towards teachers.
I believe that without ever underestimating what your son tells you, the most adult attitude is to discuss the subject with the teacher in question to, first of all, inform you of what happened.
Is it difficult for parents to recognize that their child has a problem, either because they are abusing him as if he is the one who abuses his classmates?
Yes. I often joke with parents telling them that guilt seems to be given to you in the hospital along with the baby. The responsibility we have with respect to our children is so great that it is very hard to think that we have failed them in such a way that they may be hurting them or that they are hurting others.
Do you think that, in general, we are prepared to face these kinds of problems?
No. We are increasingly aware that being parents is a task that requires training and some personal work. Nowadays, many parents look for information, take courses, attend talks, ultimately try to improve their parental ability.
However, there is still much to do so that we have less objection when asking for help from a professional if the situation overflows us.
It is impossible to have response and strength for everything. It is more useful to know how to see when we need help and ask for it as soon as possible, than to wear out trying to do it alone because that is what we are supposed to do.
The responsibility we have regarding our children is so great that it is very hard to think that we have failed them
What guidelines should we follow once we believe that our children have a problem?
If we suspect that our child has a problem, what we should do is make it easier for him to tell us what is happening to him and how he feels.
It is important not to hold him responsible for what happened or blame him for not knowing how to handle that situation.
We have to show him that he is not alone in this situation and that you agree to look with him for the best solution.
And of course, we must inform the center so they can investigate and take appropriate measures.
How should we act in confirmed cases?
We must ask for an appointment with your tutor to inform you of the situation and if the problem is not resolved, ask for an appointment with the tutor, the counselor and the address of the center to explain what they have done and what they are going to do.
If they do not solve it, then we must go to other institutions that are above.
Is it counterproductive to force our son to continue going to the center where he is abused (even if they assure us that he will be protected)?
It is important to give our child resources to deal with the bullies and to seek help from teachers if needed.
When I say that you have to face them, I do not mean putting yourself at the same height, but giving assertive responses of disapproval of your behavior and your intention not to allow them to continue.
In order for him to act like this, he will need our support, that of the teachers and that of a professional who supports him and helps him repair his self-esteem and confidence.
What attitudes or roles, I don't know very well how to call it, can parents influence to make a child feel helpless before an abuser or to behave badly with their peers?
It is true that certain characteristics of children (shyness, few friends ...) correlate with a higher rate of bullying, but we should not get into that trap. The victim is never the cause. The consequences of the harassment itself can be confused with those same characteristics. The feeling of helplessness is one of those consequences.
Now, if our son is in that situation and somehow he asks us for help, and we don't give it any importance, we describe it as a “children's thing”, “this has always happened and it wasn't for much”, “my son doesn't know how to defend”, his sense of helplessness and Stop asking for help.
With Regarding abusers, we need to reflect on what kind of values we are transmitting to our children. Not only through the rules we impose on them but also through the example we give them and how we treat them. If we use "a scourge in time", shouts, punishments, we do not allow him to negotiate, we establish respect from the child to the adult but not the contrary, or we act with total indifference to what he does and we are not his guide on what is Right or wrong, it will increase the chances that our child will abuse them and believe they are under conditions.
If I don't let my son hit others or fight, am I causing him not to defend himself against an abuser and vice versa?
It is not enough to give them the message that violence is not the most appropriate response if we do not give them tools to deal with people who do.
That they can be assertive and safe, that they can defend themselves if necessary and, above all, that they can turn to adults for help, will be the best protection we can offer them in these circumstances.
I feel that now children are overly concerned with their image, for what they think of them. How did we get here?
We live in a society where the image is essential. Our children are immersed in it. Their messages penetrate them as in adults and at the same time, adults confirm these values almost without realizing our example.
How can we make our child feel confident enough to be able to face the problems of his age?
Self confidence is founded in the first years of life and it is still being built in later years.
Throughout the first three years, a representation of the way in which we have related to our main caregivers, an internal work model, is created in our brain. This model is the basis of how we will link with the rest of the people in the future. It will form the glasses with which we will interpret others and the type of response we have to give each time.
Working and caring for this relationship is the best way to ensure that our children will have enough confidence in themselves and in us to face the problems that arise.
What if the school refuses to take action? What I do?
You can go to the police station in your area to talk to the bullying section and have them talk to the center's address. We also have the possibility of contacting the Inspector of Education, the Ministry of Education and finally, denouncing the school.
What can we do if our son comes to you with phrases like "I don't want to continue living", "I wish I had never been born", "It's your fault"?
First calm down because those phrases are devastating for parents. Secondly, not minimize its importance and with the child or adolescent on the subject, allowing him to vent and express what is happening to him.
And finally, ask a professional for help to help our son and to help us in that tough situation.
