As you may have noticed by the number of entries in which we talk about breastfeeding, in Babies and more We try to promote breastfeeding for a physiological reason: the woman's mammary gland has the mission of continuing the work that the placenta cannot finish in nine months of gestation, contributing nutrients, hormones and immunoglobulins that help the baby to develop and adapt better to the world it reaches.
Come on, breastfeeding is normal, and as such, we try to bring more information to mothers so that there are no doubts when making the final decision on how to feed their baby.
Once a mother has the information, her decision must be respected by everyone; and nevertheless it continues happening, it continues happening, that they continue judging each other, in a war that I doubt that it is near to end. That is why today I wanted to give a twist to this matter and bring you what could be a point of view of a mother who gives a bottle: the diary of a mother who gives artificial milk with friends who breastfeed.
Diary of a mother giving a bottle
Baby's day 9:
I went out with him and met Lucia. I met her in the birth preparation course and her baby is three weeks older than mine. After a while talking he told me that he sees it very majestically and that "he will be on top, of course"
- Well no - I answer - is with a bottle. Don't ask me why, but one of the things I was most clear about was that I didn't want to breastfeed.
- But why? You don't know what is much better? Don't you know that breast milk has defenses? Do you want to get sick from something serious? Do not you know that…
Day 11 of the baby:
I stayed with Emma, we went to school together, we know each other for a lifetime. Flesh and Bone. We even got to date the same guy at different times ... we have never thrown the dishes in this direction. He has two beautiful daughters he breastfed. He gave me a book by a certain Gonzalez during pregnancy, about breast milk, which I barely looked at, because I had decided enough that I would not breastfeed:
- I already wanted to see you ... but with the girls on vacation, you know ... Well, tell me, how was everything?
After a while he asks me if I breastfeed him: Do you finally give him a tit?
- No Emma, I already told you in pregnancy that I was not going to breastfeed.
- But ... and the book I gave you? Didn't you read it? But ... if it is very well explained ... if it says it all there. What is very good for the baby, that ... really, is that it is your right to be breastfed, why have not you given them? You could have asked me, or go to a support group, or ...
Day 14 of the baby:
Today I met Laura and Esther. They are two friends of the usual, too. Laura has no children and Esther has a two month old baby. We've been talking about everything a bit, and in a moment your daughter has started crying. He has breastfed her and asked:
- How's the tit, Esther?
- Very good, aunt. I am doing great. He caught himself very well and is taking a lot of weight. In a few days I go to the nurse again, but he already told me that everything was going great. And you, what did you do in the end? Because you never talked to us about this ...
- I give him a bottle - I tell them by going to both - I don't know, I know that breast milk is the best, but I am not able to have it all day hooked to the chest, being solely responsible for their well-being, totally dependent from me ... I need to know that he will also be there, that he will be able to take care of the baby at any time, that he will not have to call me desperate because the baby cries. I need us to do it together, he and I. Even feed him.
- Sure, this is your thing - they both tell me.
Baby's 18th day:
Today I went to the nurse to control the weight. Everything is going perfect. In the waiting room the baby has cried and I have preferred to give him the bottle to take it like this, crying, home. We are close, but it was not a plan. I gave him the bottle and a girl asked me if I didn't breastfeed. I have doubted whether to answer or not, but in the end I have done it. I have said a brief "No".
- Well, I've given it to mine and it's going great. It is a pity for the baby, because they breed better and then catch fewer diseases. But hey, everyone who does what they want, huh?
- Yes, exactly.
Another mother is added to the conversation:
- Do not say nonsense, if milk today have everything. They do not lack anything anymore and if the kids have to get bad they will get the same, and if they don't have to get bad, they won't get bad. Look at mine, with a bottle and it just gets bad ... and then there are others who are always taking things with a tit.
- Of course, there are always particular cases, but in general, if you bring together all the children of the tit and all the bottles, the studies say that those of the tit get sick less - the other mother replied.
They have continued discussing the issue and continued with it when the bottle is finished. I got up and left. I start to get fed up with this story.
Baby's 20th day:
Today Ana has come to see me, she is from the group of friends I always have, too, but she lives in the other side of the country and comes to spend a few days with the family and in this way she meets the baby. After a while of talking about my birth, his births and how his children have changed his life, the baby has cried and he has come to look for him to give him a bottle. He hasn't said anything, but he's been serious ... smiling forcefully. I have seen her uncomfortable, so I have spoken:
- Look, how bad ... we have to bottle feed.
- Cast?
- It was impossible, I almost died, totally dehydrated with my chest, there was no way. I went to the midwife, the gine, the pediatrician ... and because they didn't help me, I went to a breastfeeding group, as Emma recommended. There was no way, the child was fatal, my breasts were bleeding, they couldn't get him to take it, he lost so much weight that he was admitted to the hospital for 5 days, about to put him in the ICU.
- What do you say? Did you get analytical?
- Yes, all normal. I've had a terrible time, but now I see him happy with the bottle and say "well, that's what it is ... I'll have to live with it". Only one thing happens ... I carry it so badly that I don't even want to talk about it. I tell you because you are one of my best friends, but every time I explain it I fall apart.
- Oh sure. How I understand you I'm sorry.
- Could you tell the others on WhatsApp that they don't talk to me much about this topic? I still have to see a few and I will fall apart. - Sure. Do not worry! That's what our friends are for.
The milk war; the mothers war
Every time you talk about breast milk, about any effect it has on the baby's body that artificial milk doesn't have, women come out defending his option to bottle feed. Every time you talk about artificial milk, how well someone is doing with a bottle, women come out defending breastfeeding.
It's the milk war, it's the mother's war, which shouldn't exist because the important thing is that there is support from each other, but it exists. Some feel they are accused of being worse mothers, for not doing their best for their children. The others try not to hurt, but they often fall into the value judgment and end up losing respect in their attempt to inform and educate the other mothers, in case they were bottle feeding due to a lack of information or knowledge.
And it's a debate that ends up hurting because nobody wants to feel judged or belittled for a decision he made, to give a bottle directly, or for a decision he did not take, when he wanted to breastfeed and failed.
Why the author of the "Diary of a mother who gives a bottle" did not breastfeed? Why? He does not say it ... he only gives some details, but he does not explain it definitively because in reality the others do not have to know it, and she doesn't have to justify herself. Perhaps your relationship is not going too well and you think that the involvement of the father in caring for the baby can help; Maybe he has some disease and knows that there will be days when he cannot be present and he needs the father to take care of the baby from the beginning; perhaps it is a decision that is the result of past events that you have not overcome and you are not able to be the main responsible for the care of your child; Perhaps it is none of that and simply prefers that both have an equal role because he believes that this is the best model of motherhood and fatherhood. Does not matter.
That is, to others we must not care about the reasons why a mother decides to breastfeed or why she decides not to.
But, you can ask, right?
Sure. As a nurse, I ask when they tell me that they have left the breast, for knowing the reason and for giving information if there is an error. On more than one occasion the mother has told me that it was because of something that could have been solved or that could be solved: because of a medication that she believed was incompatible and in reality it was not, because of family pressure, because someone told her After a certain age, it makes no sense, or ... and sometimes we have talked about it and have breastfed again, just as other times the mother prefers not to do it again. I only inform, and they decide.
Well, as friends, or as acquaintances or strangers, the same. If there is trust, you can talk about it, if the mother feels like it. Sometimes asking is useful to know their reasons and understand why a mother gives a bottle and does not breastfeed. And sometimes you do not understand it, because you would do it in a totally different way, and nothing happens: "I do not see him as you, but you are the mother and I have nothing to say there. I will always respect your choice, although not share it. " And that respect is not agree, but not tell someone what they should have done.
Why so many sensibilities?
Well, I guess because breast milk is the ideal way to feed a baby, but it is also the one that requires more dedication. Only the mother can do it, the demand is more frequent than with a bottle and the nights tend to be a little tougher: yes it is true that with a tit they sleep earlier in the awakenings, but it seems that babies wake up more. Then, breastfeeding mothers know that they should give more of themselves, that they give themselves more to motherhood, to the baby, but they give everything for good because they know they are doing their best for their children.
Then when someone arrives explaining what he considers goodness of the bottle, which is also given by the father, or the grandmother, or the little brother ..., who thus knows what he eats, so that she can sleep more and more the baby, that thus not you have to worry about the weight, etc., the debate between some "benefits" and others is established. A debate that come to discussion because yes, with the bottle you rest more, but "you're not doing your best for your son".
And the discussion then goes to the field of dedication, commitment, to see which is a better or more sacrificed mother. Because "if she tells me that I don't give her the best, she wants to tell me that I am a worse mother than her", and on the other hand, "let him sleep what he wants and give the bottles whoever he wants, but that affects the bond with the baby , and that baby will grow detached and timeless with his mother. "
And nobody say that artificial milk is an option
And this also happens. Actually, breast milk is normal, as we have said, and artificial a solution in case a baby cannot be breastfed. But its mere existence and being within reach of any woman makes it an alternative. A mother can breastfeed her baby or she can go to the pharmacy, buy milk and feed her child. No one will tell you anything, nobody will ask you for a prescription or proof as your child should be fed that way, so a woman can choose how to do it.
However, one of the most prolactance arguments that can be read and heard is the one that says that artificial milk cannot be considered an option, which is not an alternative, which is only for women who cannot breastfeed. That is why when a woman like the one in the Diario explains that she does not breastfeed, everyone hopes to know why. They need justification. They need her to say "I tried, but I couldn't." Because then they do accept her as a good mother: "Ah, okay, you tried ...".
"But a lot or a little?", Because if I tried yesterday and it didn't come out and today I gave it a bottle, then it doesn't work. You must have tried, you must have cried, you must have suffered, you must have gone to all possible places, to all the professionals there and to have and read everywhere. You must have exhausted all possible solutions. And then, when you've done all that, you'll be worthy of be morally accepted as a mother who bottles but unconditionally loves her baby.
It is as if considering it an option were a danger to breastfeeding. As if the freedom to choose a woman was dangerous, because then most would seek the most comfortable option for them. As if the trial, criticism and pressure on mothers who bottle feed were justified because they are not really helping to promote breastfeeding, they are not doing their best and are only blameless if they have tried and feel fatal for not to be able to do it
But artificial breastfeeding is an option. And professionals have to keep informing so that the differences are known, and why it is worse for the baby not to breastfeed. And we have to continue training to help mothers who have problems, especially them, so that do not fail breastfeeding that could work and fail for lack of help. And stop judging among all the women who give a bottle because each one has its reasons and it is not a plate of good taste to receive comments, judgments and pressures constantly, to the point that they end up lying to be left alone.
Because breastfeeding does not have to be chosen because others pressure and harass you, but because you think that is what you should and want to do.
Photos | iStock
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