One of the things that most concern parents is their children's ability to share. The fact that they are able to leave things to others is seen as a sign of kindness and parents, we tend to expect our children to leave us in a good place, and therefore to show how well educated they are, We hope you share your things with other children.
The problem originates when this does not happen. At that time it is the parents who share our children's toys so that they learn to do so. The intention is good, but the concept and the means are wrong: we are lending things that are not ours.
Everyone knows the appreciation he has for this or that object of his membership and each one decides what he can leave to others and to whom he can lend it. If we have our reservations when it comes to sharing, it is normal for children to have them too. That is why the most logical thing is to say that children have to share only if they want to do it.
A personal case
I was with my mother when David, the son of my mother's friend, approached to touch my car. It bothered me that strangers touched my things and David was then a stranger.
I told him not to touch him, but he got angry because he seemed to like the car a lot. My mother then decided that I should share my things with him and said: “Come on, Armando, leave the car for a while. Then you continue with him. ” Then he turned to David and said: "Come David, the car keys are on, go around the neighborhood and then leave it parked again."
In Babies and more A mother's viral message about why her child doesn't have to share her toys if she doesn't want toLuckily it didn't give him any scratches, but really, I hate that my mother leaves my car to others, because I'm still paying for it.
Obviously, this story is false, but if we extrapolate it to the world of children, cases like this happen every day in any park. A child goes with his toy, another one approaches and takes it or takes it from his hands and the mother, instead of interceding for her son, tries to teach her son that we have to share, leaving something that is not yours to a totally unknown person (or not), without the approval of the child, who is the true owner of the toy.
This is not sharing, it is letting you be deceived
Probably more than one reader or reader will be thinking that then how on earth does he teach his son to share. Well then in any other way, as long as it is done with respect.
When an adult comes and snatches something from your hands (let's say you take your cell phone off your nose), not only do you run after him to catch him but you scream desperately for someone to help you catch him.
The same thing happens to children. An unknown child comes and rips his toy from his hands or takes it from his side to play with him. Then he tries to get it back and cries, and when he expects his mother to be the saving person, which adult will jump against the mobile thief, mom lets take it away.
The message that the child receives then is that he cannot decide on his things, that mom prefers to make a child happy at the cost of making him unhappy and that we should allow other people to take our things from us. This is not sharing, this is letting you be fooled.
Madam, I don't run after that man, because I am sure that in a little while he will return his cell phone, right? Leave it for a while, woman.
Playing with the ball
An example that I use often when I talk about this subject is what happened to me on one occasion while playing with my son and his ball. My son was then almost three years old and a smaller child than him came to play too. As we weren't especially skilled at passing the ball, the boy occasionally caught it with his hands to play for a while.
Jon was angry and the boy's mother said (to his son): "Come, give the ball the baby, which is his", without too much conviction and with no intention of taking the ball from his son's hands and returning it.
This is when I hesitated, because I was not sure how to react. The majority of fathers and mothers, faithful to the general feeling that they say they have to be taught to share, would have decided to say: "Quiet woman, nothing happens if you play for a while, leave her" and they would have tried to convince their son of it: " Honey, we left the baby for a little while and then we followed, ”a phrase that no child usually accepts, of course.
However I put myself in Jon's place. It was his ball and he was playing with his father the sea of happy. That boy was a stranger and he had taken the ball and the possibility to continue playing with me, so when the boy missed the ball I took it, I looked at Jon and said: “The boy wants to play with the ball… do you know Do you leave it for a little while? ” You can imagine the answer, a big “NO”, followed by snatching the ball from my hands.
I looked at the boy and said loudly, so that the mother could also hear me: “I'm sorry, Jon doesn't want to leave you the ball. Maybe another day".
The mother was surprised. I imagine that no father had ever denied his son playing with his son's toy or, in other words, no father had allowed his son to deny lending his toy.
And then, how do they learn to share?
Many of you will be thinking that if we allow our son to defend his things and decide who to leave them and when to leave them, he will never do so. Obviously this is not true, since when they grow up they understand more what the belonging of an object and above all means they understand that it can pass from hand to hand without losing it forever.
When the children are young, I speak up to 3 years or so, usually they play alone. They may share space with other children and interact at some point, but toys are often poorly shared.
As they grow up they are able to establish greater communication with other children, they begin to assume fictitious roles and therefore they are able to play something with other children. In this way they can incorporate objects into the games and thus share theirs with the rest.
This is the easiest sharing mode, when the toy is part of the shared game. Now, what happens when another child wants to play alone with something that does not belong to him?
We must always respect our child's decision. If you do not want to lend it, it does not lend, for that is yours. It is possible that at some point you want to play with something that belongs to another child and that may be a good time for you to understand a little the meaning of belonging by telling you that it is not yours, that perhaps the child will leave it and that we should ask See if you want to leave it. This is the first seed to see that you can play with the things of others if they let you and that, therefore, others can play with your things, if you let them.
In any case, he always has the last word and we should play the role of dynamizers whenever possible (sometimes if you do not want to leave the ball to other children you can try to play some game in which everyone participates).
When they are brothers
-Mom, Javi is touching everything!
-I go! - the mother replied. He left the kitchen and went to the room where David, 5 years old, moved as far as he could to his 18-month-old brother who wanted to play with him and his things - What's up? - asked the mother.
-I can not play. Javi touches me the toys, takes them to another place. They are mine!
This scene is common when the son, who was the owner and lord of his toys, lives with a little brother, who is no longer a baby, who wants to play with him or simply with what his older brother is playing.
The most common response in this case is usually: “David, son, your brother is small. He just wants to play with you. Leave him a little, man. ”
But nevertheless, the most respectful answer with the eldest son is another: "David, your brother is small, it is normal that he wants to play with you and your stuff, but we will tell him not to touch them if he bothers you." Then the mother talks to the little one and explains that those toys are from David, that David doesn't like to be touched, but that maybe I can play with something else if David wants: "David, is there any other toy we can leave him?"
Offered by Henkel Teaching sharing is necessary, but always respecting your child Before this question, at least in my case, the most common is to receive a "yes." The toys with which the older brother is playing are untouchable, precisely because he is playing with them, however he is able to leave other toys with which he does not play: “Look Javi, David lets you play with these toys, let's play with them! ”(and sometimes David will join the game too).
What if he says no?
In case the answer is a “no”, we must respect it and play with the little one only with his toys.
This exercise should also be done when the scene is contrary and it is the oldest who wants to play with the child's things. If Javi cries because David has taken a toy from him or because he is playing with one that the little one wants, we must intercede for the little one.
If on some occasion we observe that the child does not care that the eldest plays with his toys, it is a good time to explain to the elder that he is playing with them because Javi does not care that he does so, because he is not using them and that he (the little one) also likes to play with his toys sometimes, if he is not using them at that time (the eldest).
In any case, as the little one grows both brothers begin to share more and more some games and therefore the toys. Similarly, as the elder also grows, he is better able to lend his things without too much trouble.
If we suspect that the “no” of the elder may come from jealousy towards the little brother, we should evaluate our relationship with the elder to see what we can improve so that he does not feel displaced or undervalued with respect to his brother. In this case it can be useful to read the advice when there is jealousy among the brothers.
Photos | iStockphoto
