After long hours of conversation we have shared with readers our interview with psychologist Ramón Soler, in which we have focused on violence against children and their causes.
We want to end up taking a step forward, wondering what the world can change if we raise and educate in respect for the child completely. There is much to move forward, but what promises upbringing without violence is hopeful.
But parents are human, don't we have the right to lose our nerves if kids are driving us crazy?
The truth is that it is a very complicated issue that has no easy solution. There are parents who really intend to change the type of education they received in their childhood so that their children do not suffer.
What happens is that, in situations of tension and exhaustion, our adult part loses control and those reactions of our childhood appear that were burned to fire, but we want to discard.
We must be very attentive to detect what situations are what alter us and be able to relate them to our childhood. In all likelihood, they are reactions we have seen in our parents or people around us. Of course, we have to work hard and put everything on our side to calm down just in those moments and change that first impulse that comes out. It is not an easy task, but we must be very clear that it is worth it and that the benefit for us and our children will be enormous.
When is the most propitious time for the perception of violent parenting to change?
Mothers have a unique opportunity to do this work during the puerperium. It is a time when one is especially connected with childhood and can use it to rethink the attitudes that their parents had with them to look for much healthier alternatives.
Most of the time, in order to change these automatic patterns, it will be necessary to seek a therapy that will help them to deprogram those learning and dissociate themselves from all the negative influence of the parents.
Obedience or empathy? What is the purpose of education for a peaceful coexistence?
The educational model depends on the conception we have of the child and the type of society we want to achieve.
In the first half of the twentieth century, the ideological foundations of two opposing conceptions of education were laid. On the one hand, psychoanalysts, with their negative and aggressive vision of the child, thought that "the goal of any education is to teach the child to master his instincts" (Freud, 1920). At the other end was Wilhelm Reich, who argued that education is about respecting and enhancing the child's natural needs, which makes it possible for them to grow up happy.
If we want a peaceful and respectful society with others and with the planet, we must raise our children in respect and empathy.
There is always the fear that if we educate in empathy our children become tyrants, will children who are respected and heard be able to put themselves in the shoes of another or will they always be spoiled spoiled?
Perhaps it is better understood if we start looking from the opposite angle. Children who have suffered some kind of emotional or physical lack in their childhood will grow up trying to compensate for that lack.
To try to fill the void they felt as children, they will attract attention, ask for things even if they do not need them, will be unable to put themselves in the place of the other and will step on whomever it takes to achieve their goals. These will be "capricious and spoiled" children, as most understand, although deep down, they are the poor victims of parents who have not been able to give them the emotional tools to handle life.
They will do anything to try to attract the attention of dad or mom, even if they have grown up and are adults or even if their parents have already died.
Returning to the question, children who, as children, have had their basic needs for attention, care, pampering and respect, will grow much healthier emotionally.
If the children have been respected and heard, they can respect and know how to listen. It's that simple.
Ramón, but, raising with respect, is not giving them everything they ask for, right?
Actually, giving them everything they ask for is nothing respectful to children.
The only thing we shouldn't skimp on with children is the time and attention we give them. Time to play with them and time to explain things to them when they cannot be as they wish.
For some parents, giving their children everything they ask for is an easy way to keep them entertained so that they don't bother them and, thus, not meet their true needs, but this is nothing respectful.
Some say that children who are not corrected with punishment or spanking end up being dictators unable to negotiate or respect their parents. What do you think of that?
What happens is precisely the opposite. Children who have not been raised with scourges and have met their needs for attention and respect when they have been young are more peaceful and empathic.
True respect is not imposed by force or by means of a commandment table (such as “you will honor your father and mother”), it is something that is earned on a day-to-day basis.
If we intend to impose respect based on punishments and scourges, then we do not speak of respect, but of submission and fear.
Children raised authoritatively will be those who become ungovernable or submissive aggressive.
They will respond violently to trusted people and abuse other younger children, or be abused by more authoritarian people. In reality, they will only be repeating the model they have seen in their home and that they have suffered in their own meats.
Let's start at the beginning, do children always have to obey us?
That has been told to us and under that mandate we have grown, but the reality is that parents do not possess the absolute truth and, if we are not very careful, children can end up adapting to us to grow in our "image and likeness" and meet the objectives that we set.
Children have their own interests and abilities. Parents can only be attentive and provide the necessary environment for them to develop.
For parents it is a very difficult job, since it requires a deep job to overcome our "ego" and our unfulfilled frustrations.
On this subject, I always remember the wonderful text of Khalil Gibran talking about the children in The Prophet: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of how much Life desires for itself. They are conceived through you, but not yours (…) ”.
I think that children are second-class citizens in our society, are you satisfied with that statement?
In our western society, children are not taken into account at all, they are not at all.
Instead of paying attention to their particular needs, we want them to adapt to our stressful pace of life as soon as possible. We separate them from their mothers, we encourage them to develop faster than their capabilities allow them or we press them to leave the diapers even if they are not prepared for it. We want them to be like miniature adults, without taking into account that their world and their views are totally different from those of the adult.
Our cities are not intended for children. The natural parks with trees, shade and space to run and play freely have been replaced by huge concrete surfaces with a small bounded space (in full sun) for children, with plastic structures that limit creativity in games. In modern parks the way of playing is already predefined, you can only go up, down, climb or slide in a single way.
The maximum example that children are considered inferior in our society is the tremendous permissiveness that exists against child abuse.
Cheating as an educational method was banned in Spain only four years ago in a tight vote, indicating that many of the deputies agreed to hit the children.
Unfortunately, from politicians to judges, through many pediatricians and psychologists, they still defend, without questioning, the use of scourges against children. It is also amazing the amount of comments that can be read in different internet forums of parents who defend with impunity hit their children.
Should we change the way we educate to change the world?
As the 21st century has begun, with the setbacks in freedom that cost so much to achieve and the excessive abuse of power that has led us to the crisis we are going through, we can see that restrictive and repressive education does not it generates more than violence and abuse of the strong over the weak.
If we really want to change the self-destructive course of the human being, we must radically change the educational model.
Children raised with respect and empathy, may put themselves in the place of the weakest to defend them, they will not need to abuse them to feel powerful. Children raised in freedom will have enough self-esteem to know what they want without being subjected to the fear and control of those who try to manipulate them.
What should be changed in our society to make it more empathetic and respectful of the needs of children?
We should begin to respect children as they are, people with their emotions, their concerns and their unique abilities. We must not forget that the child's universe is different from the adult universe, we cannot treat them as if they were miniature adults. We must understand their processes and their development needs to be able to accompany them, always with respect.
The care for children should start from pregnancy and childbirth, taking care of the pregnant woman in a respectful way and changing the obsolete interventional protocols of many hospitals.
When the baby is born, we must ensure that he can be with his mother for as long as possible and in a relaxed environment. An increase in maternity leave is essential, at least up to 12 months.
And finally, there must be a radical change in the education system. The school of the future must be a place of search, where the child has the respect and support necessary to find and develop his true interests.
With this we finish. A interview with psychologist Ramón Soler that has left me with a good taste in my mouth, from which I have learned a lot and makes me, despite the pain of the subject, a great hope in the future thanks to all those parents who have decided to raise without violence. What do you think?
