When you are young you are looking forward to having a car so you can have a girlfriend and be able to make love in the car. When you have a car, you are looking forward to having a girlfriend so you can use the back seat for more than just taking to your friends' cafés.
When you have a girlfriend, you are looking forward to having a flat to go with her and be able to make love in a bed, which in winter in the car is cold and you get tired of making it shrunk. When you have a flat and a girlfriend, you take advantage and enjoy it, until love is so beautiful that one day you decide to have a child.
So when you have a child, you remember how well it was done in a car where, despite being uncomfortable, you had all the time in the world, because everything has changed. You thought that the sexual life of a couple would always be active and wonderful and suddenly you realize that they have appeared eight problems when making love, because you have children.
1. Impossible to find a time to be together
It seems a lie that after a while living together, with all the time in the world, or almost, to make a couple's life, now don't have a minute of intimacy with your partner. When children are babies, because they are babies and they end up in bed (and because they just don't feel like it), when they grow up a little more because at any moment they will wake up and it is not a plan that they will see you there wiggling and when they are older and They sleep in their room because they get out of bed and appear next to your bed, making use of the most absolute silence to get there, who do not walk, float in the air.
So you have to wake up and do a thorough study of awakenings and deep dreams to know the pattern of sleep and wakefulness and know that on Mondays and Thursdays, from 23:38 to 01: 11 it seems to sleep deeply, but that on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays, that moment happens between 00:21 and 01:56. It should also be borne in mind that if there is an inter-weekly holiday that week, the child can confuse Wednesday for a Thursday, so from that day the pattern must be reviewed and modified.
And this is what brings us to the next problem.
2. Prelimi ..., preliminary ..., preliminary ...
I don't get the word out because I don't know one or what they are. Prelimi ..., preliminary ..., is the same, what is done before intercourse, that when you have children you cannot do it and it turns out that you have to do everything at once.
So you are there on the subject and she tells you that she wants you to caress her a little here and with the other hand over there, but of course, or I hold myself so as not to crush you or I caress you, that all at once you cannot . So look, how much I kiss you a little around here by the neck and the ear and you will have to settle for this, that when we were younger I could caress you with one hand in the meantime, but now my arm is loaded, that no I'm fit and ... I'm sorry, I need both to hold on.
3. Shut up, for God's sake
How lucky were those who made erotic movies (or porn) at the time when the cinema was silent. They could laugh, they could say little things, they could let out moans, screams or whatever they wanted.
Now you can't, one has to be quiet and one has to groan whispering. And one likes his wife to make noise, because hey, that increases self-esteem, but of course, it is not a plan that in the middle of the matter the chilindrín appears and asks what we are playing, so “shut up, for God's sake” , short ... bite your lip, tongue or whatever you want, but don't wake up the child.
4. As if there was no other time to speak
After having studied the sleep pattern of the child (or children) and mixing the variables with a computer program to choose the time of day in which there is a greater chance of having a satisfactory sexual relationship with your partner without being seen by a Tiny security guard, after seeing that "this time" you will get it, it turns out that between what you wear and do not wear goes and remembers what your mother has called.
MmmmMMMMmmm (kisses over here, kisses over there) and "hey, now that I remember, your mother has called to say that ...", "by the way, I have come down to buy what ...", "this weekend you would have to paint the wall that… ” Of course, with so much bath, so much dinner, so much play, so much work, so little reconciliation and so little free time there is no time to talk, so when it turns out that you have managed to look a moment in the eyes comes to mind, like sparks, the memory of "what I had to tell you."
“Can't you tell me later? That you are cutting my roll. ”
5. Noises in the dark
If we talk about cutting the roll, there is nothing like pretending to make love, enjoy, disconnect from the worldly noise (or the worldly world) and have a good time with your partner and realize that there is a sense that you cannot disconnect, the ear.
Any noise will be a trigger for a "wait." It may already be the neighbor from above that has given her to move a chair, the TV next door or a creak of the house (yes, the houses creak at night), no matter, action-reaction, noise-stop. So you throw the third part of the good time having a bad time because you have to stop because you have heard something and it may be the child or because you have heard something, you know it is not the child, but you wait to see if that something has awakened the child.
6. It is cold and sleepy tonight
The cold is not too much trouble because look, you catch a blanket wherever you go and cover yourself, but the dream is almost hopeless. It is to be a father and the hours of sleep decrease dramatically. You wake up more times at night, you go to bed later than in the past because there is always something left to do and you get up when it is still night because, or you have to go to work, or it is weekend and your son gets up at the same time. seven in the morning.
This means that there are nights when, lying in bed, after the look that says “when I sleep I will make you an eight”, you realize the next day that the only eight there is the clock, which marks that It is already day.
7. Chocolate makes you fat
Another problem, in this case more for women than for men, is that chocolate makes you fat. It is said that chocolate is a substitute for sex, and it is not that I say so, but that 52% of women say that they prefer chocolate to sex (by 13% of men).
If more than half of women prefer to eat chocolate and the other half can barely have sex with their partners, it is clear that chocolate ends up being a solution, as well as a problem.
8. Here I catch you, here I kill you
I do not know if it is a problem or a solution, but there is no other. With all the problems I have explained, there is only one left, the "Here I catch you, here I kill you"Anyway, "run take off your clothes" and mess.
It is that there is no more, is that you spent years trying to make love, to give love and receive it, to enjoy with the previous caresses and, if you are a woman, telling uncles that “wait, slower”, so that now You look there, in a hurry, that neither slowly nor milks: come on, hit the matter and do not even think about changing position, that you will make noise and you will wake up the child.
In short, it is what it is.
PS: Thanks to Sarai Llamas, for inspiring me.
