In July I interviewed the psychologist Ramón Soler in a long conversation in which we address the vital issue of violence towards children, from its most extreme manifestations to the most subtle and less visible, such as contempt, insult, punishment and emotional abandonment. I wanted to interview him again to deepen the topic and offer our readers tools to achieve it.
And I say vital because in this I believe that the real possibility of a social advancement, perhaps even of the future of the human being, will change the upbringing and banish any form of violence towards children so that they can grow up emotionally healthy, peaceful and responsible , empathic with the suffering and collaborators, more than competitive.
I wanted to start this second conversation by returning to adults and to the reasons why they hit their children. Understanding the causes of violence we can avoid them. Learning to educate without mistreating in any way is possible and Ramón gives us, in this interview, some keys to achieve it.
Does it stick for the sake of the child or are there other hidden reasons that the parents themselves ignore?
The circle of violence begins when a child is mistreated. This abuse can be of different types, whipping, beatings, insults, harassment, but also abandonment and helplessness.
What happens in the mind of a child who is mistreated?
The child has no chance of defending himself and all he can do is adapt to survive the situation he has to suffer at home.
This process involves renouncing one's illusions and beliefs, which are replaced by those of the parents.
In the end, the abused child ends up believing that he is the one who misbehaves, that his parents beat him for his well-being and that, in addition, he should be grateful.
Think, then, that hitting is not bad, that you deserved it, right?
When that child grows up and becomes a father, he has these beliefs so internalized and is so far from his true self that he does not even think that he should not stick and will even be convinced that it is the best for his son and he does For your own good.
This process is totally unconscious and that is why it is so difficult for cheek defenders to come to understand that not only is it no use hitting, but they are also causing serious emotional damage to their children.
What can a father do who wants to avoid cheeks but feels that they can get out of control?
This process of breaking up and distancing oneself from his true Self that he commented before took place at such an early age that the ability to analyze or judge the parents' behavior had not yet been developed.
It was a totally emotional process that made those violent patterns very engraved inside.
Therefore, although many parents question, from their adult side, cheeks and do not want to repeat with their children what they lived as children, in situations of maximum tension is when the reason is cloudy, emotions overflow, we unconsciously connect with our own childhood experiences and the violent reactions that we assume as children appear and were recorded inside us.
But is there a solution?
The solution does not go through rational control from the adult side. As much as you want to control, violent reactions are recorded at a much deeper level and there will always be situations that overwhelm us and make them appear.
The most important task is to make an immersion on an emotional level, to be able to connect with what we felt as children, to understand that process of alienation and submission that we suffer from our parents to be able to free ourselves from that burden of violence and look for a much healthier way and authentic to interact with ourselves, with our environment and, of course, with our children.
Our adult self must accompany our child self in the recovery of their true dreams, desires and beliefs in order to free ourselves from our masks created by unfair rules, impositions and violence.
How to do that process?
Most of the time, this work cannot be done by oneself and the most advisable thing is to seek adequate professional help to be able to cross the unconscious barriers that protected us at the time and helped us survive, but that no longer make any sense and that In addition, they are hurting us and our loved ones.
What message does the child receive who is physically corrected?
There are several messages that the child receives and all of them very negative.
First of all, upon receiving this kind of arbitrary and cruel punishment, the child is being told that his opinions and emotions are not valid and are not worthy of being taken into account. As a consequence of this, this child will learn to repress himself, to contain his emotions, he will lack self-esteem, he will not develop altruism and empathy, and he will be insensitive to the feelings of others.
By not being respected in their opinions and in their individuality, the child also receives the message that it is not good to think for oneself, that one must be submissive and be guided by what the parents say and by extension, by every figure of authority (with the danger of lack of mental flexibility that this entails and the dramatic consequences that it can carry).
On the other hand, you will also learn that the strongest is the one who imposes his will through the use of violence.
Just take a look at our environment to see the dramatic consequences of using violence against children.
What tools can we work to improve communication with our children?
There are several small details that we must take into account to improve communication with our children and, also, with our environment.
In the first place, it is very important to speak in the first person, from our self, of what we are feeling in each given situation. It is easier for others to put ourselves in our place and get an idea of what happens to us if we can express what we feel. In addition, children have a special sensitivity to capture the emotional states of others, so if we say one thing, but inwardly we are feeling something else, children will capture that inconsistency.
Another advice that complements the previous one is to talk only about what makes us feel the situation that we are experiencing at that precise moment. It is very common for a situation to serve as a trigger to unload all the reproaches we have accumulated in the past. This does not serve to solve the current conflict and all it does is put more emotional distance between the two parties.
It is also advisable to abandon absolute expressions such as: "you always do ..." or "you are never able to ...". Surely, this is not the case and it will certainly be different from how we say it. In addition, this way of speaking is very frustrating for the one who receives it, since it does not give him any alternative and will be determining his future. For example, if we tell a child: “you never pick up your toys,” we will be preventing any ability to change and, in this way, we make sure that you never pick them up again.
Is hitting a cake to a child abuse in your opinion?
Any attitude that does not respect the child as a person should be considered as abuse. A cake is more than mere physical aggression, it is a humiliation and an abuse of power of the one who hits, therefore, it must be considered as abuse.
Does any child deserve a punch or cheek?
In this aspect we cannot be lukewarm, there is NEVER justification for hitting a child, under any circumstances. There is nothing a child can do that can be worthy of a cheek. The problem is always of the adult who hits, never of the child.
